I feel like I should just put a disclaimer on the top of all my posts: “Sorry I’ve not written in a while – life you know.”
Might save some time in the writing process, and ease the guilt when I see the date of the last post (JULY) and it is (SEPTEMBER)! Oh well, we do what we can do, right? Right!!
So clearly, it’s been a minute since I’ve written, and I’d like to say it is because I have been so busy and my life has been so exciting; unfortunately this is not true. I mean, yes, life has been busy – but really it is always busy and my level of busy acceptance is way lower than a lot of people so I can’t blame my lack of posting on my uber packed schedule.
As for exciting, it would be a stretch to quantify any of the last several months as exciting. We have done the end of summer stuff and school preparation, we made a few excursions for summer day trips. I did try to populate the days of summer with a few fun things, but a lot of our days were spent hanging out at home, reading books, watching TV, playing video games, swimming in the pool and that’s about it. Truth be told, I’m embarrassingly not a “fun thing planner” mom type. I’m a “staying in your pjs all day, eat Party Pizzas and watch too much TV” mom type.
So if busy and exciting aren’t the culprit for lack of writing, what oh what could be the cause?? What is that quote by Shakespeare?
“Now is the winter of our discontent!”
In my case, it was the summer of my discontent. And now, apparently, the early fall. If I’m honest, which I really do TRY to be honest here, it isn’t so much discontent as restlessness. That feeling that you should be doing something but for the life of you, you can’t think what that “thing” should be.
As you know, I left full time employment about 3 years ago to be a stay at home mom (I lasted about 3 months without a job and now work part time a couple days a week). When we made the decision for me to be home for the elementary school years of Arden’s education, I had the grand thought that I would write the great American Novel (or at least a semi-humorous memoir)(or short story collection) (article for a magazine) (anything) and thus this blog began.
3 years later, there is no book. There is no outline of a book. There isn’t even a topic worth investing the time in to write an outline for a book. Just the sporadic burps and hiccups of a blog that has a pretty steady audience of 50 readers. And, please don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for the readership because honestly I thought my husband and maybe my mom would read this thing. And it was really just a place to write things down so they wouldn’t be tumbling inside my head all the time, so followers are an added bonus.
Almost 2 years ago, we moved to the woods. I mean, I call it the woods, but there is an actual town 2 1/2 miles from my house, so it isn’t like I’m on an episode of Running Wild with Bear Grylls for heaven’s sake.
True, we don’t have neighbors and true, I’m 30 minutes from my group of friends and all my former social interactions – but we didn’t move to the wilderness. However, the move has been a challenge for me. I don’t do “new” well. I am terrible at meeting new people. I am hard pressed to figure out what to say in situations in which I’m not comfortable. That dream of showing up to a new school naked (come on you know the one) – for me the true nightmare is just showing up to a new school or anywhere new. Trigger the panic. Not that anyone would know I’m panicking, because I am the QUEEN of the “disinterested stare”. This is not a trait of which I am proud, but man do I have it down. I think it is often referred to as “resting bitch face”. Whatever the name, I’m good at it. Not because I’m truly disinterested or (I PROMISE) a bitch, but because I’m scared out of my ever loving mind that I will have to talk to someone I don’t know and they will not find ME interesting or cool or smart or worth the time.
Now, the above would be less troublesome if I were an introvert. I could just stay in my little cocoon of a house and be content with my limited social interactions at work or my book club or whatever. I would welcome the respite of my home because I would derive energy from introspection and peace.
But I’m not. I am a major extrovert. I NEED social interaction to fuel me. There is a commercial on these days (and the fact that I know there is such a commercial is further proof that I need to get out more) for an energy drink thing where they show the battery level of each person – like on your phone – as they go through the day. The idea being if you drink this drink, your battery level will be at max capacity. That is what being out in the world with people does for my internal battery level.
So, as you can see – this is a problem. Unwilling to “put myself out there” = removal from social interaction = energy drainage = no writing = the summer of my discontent or restlessness or whatever. (Pretty sure this math equation isn’t correct – can you have that many equal signs?? Probably not – I was a History major, what can I say).
Anyway, this feels like rambling – probably because it is. Have I mentioned – I’m an “out loud” processor. Have I also mentioned – there is no one here to talk to today (CLEARLY – read above!)
Look, I’m not looking for advice on how to be more outgoing, or make friends, or be friendly or how great I am (well, if you want to drop a line about how great I am, I’m not going to delete it!). I know what I need to do, but dang it is hard and scary and completely NOT FUN.
I’m just saying that it is a strange time in my life. I think it is probably not uncommon for a 42 year old stay at home mom to have feelings of restlessness. Most of them probably don’t inflict a blog post on the world about it (you’re welcome), but this is 2018 and we let it all hang out these days. At least that is what I heard on a podcast this morning, so it must be true.
I say all this to say – to myself – and to you because you’ve read along – Buck Up Buttercup – Build a Bridge and Get Over It – You Do You – You Got This –
Ok I can’t think of any other encouraging psychobabble nonsense.
Next blog will be about some good books I’ve read (upside of being a social recluse – LOTS of reading). I’m 29 books into my 40 book goal – so I’m feeling optimistic about crossing that finish line before December 31st.
Also, I’ve watched, listened to and cooked some good stuff lately – so I’ll pop those in as well. Cuz another trip down Drama Lane with April Jones might send ME over the edge and send YOU to an undoubtedly more entertaining blog!
Talk to you later