Palm Sunday. I didn’t sleep well last night and finally gave up at 5 a.m. I got up and took the dog out, made coffee and sat on the couch. I was full of feelings and nothing I was doing – scrolling through Facebook, flipping t.v. channels, trying to read – was able to distract me from an overwhelming sadness. I got onto Google and searched for churches that have online sermons saved. I found a series and started to watch. It turned out to be a series on the gospel of Mark. I guess in all my years of Biblical instruction I had forgotten the situation surrounding Peter’s dictated gospel. It was nice to be reminded. I am looking forward to the other messages in the series. I cried through most of the broadcast. Not because it was overly sad. I think it was just a nice reminder that God used someone as imperfect as Peter to lead his ministry on earth after Jesus returned to the Father. I feel immensely imperfect right now. I feel vulnerable and afraid and inadequate. I was also reminded that Hosanna means “save us”. Seems most appropriate.
After the message, I took the dog out again and had a good long cry as I told God all of my fears. I yelled them (there is no one out here for miles, so other than the dog and the birds, no one but God could hear me). I pleaded for help and peace and direction. I prayed for healing and deliverance. I prayed for protection – not just for our health and our friends and family – but for our hearts and minds. My heart and mind are in pretty rough shape right now. The troubles of life didn’t go away just because the Virus entered the picture. If nothing else, those pressure points are in much sharper relief in this time of heightened trauma. It comes in waves. There are whole hours of each day when I can push those things aside, but they are always lingering on the edges. I told God all about it. I asked for belief in my unbelief.
After my marathon yelling fit, I came in and got ready for the day. I drove into Burlington to pick up our groceries for the week. I called my sister and wished her a Happy Birthday. I sang in the car at the top of my lungs. When I got home and had put everything away, I watched a live Palm Sunday service and cried through that as well – do you see a pattern here? Today was a day of tears. It is Holy Week and it is a somber time, but Palm Sunday (though it is prologue for the Passion) has always been celebratory in our traditions. Today didn’t feel celebratory. It felt heavy. It felt lonely. It felt somber.
I took many walks today. The sun was beautiful and the temperatures mild. Days like today have been a balm in this time of separation. I tried to find that solace today – it was not easy to locate.
The day is drawing to a close. We have had dinner and it has been put away. I’m exhausted and feel like I could go to sleep, but I dread laying there unable to. I’ve been very careful not to have the news on when Arden is around. Today I laid down for a nap and had PBS cooking shows on. When I woke up and took the dog for yet another walk, Arden went into my bedroom to play with the cats. I guess PBS changed their programming in the time I was gone from cooking to news and one of the newscasters said something about the Virus not being under control this summer and perhaps extending into the next school year. I walked back into the room to a sobbing child who could not fathom being separated from her friends and school and the excitement of 5th grade. What do you say to that? I have no answers – well other than to turn off the TV every time I leave a room! I tried to explain that we don’t know what will happen, but we can do what we know to do and pray for the end to all this. I tried to hide my anxiety – it is at about a 7 right now – and distract her.
Anyway – I’m sorry this isn’t a more hopeful entry. I am praying for a restful night and a more positive outlook tomorrow as we begin our 4 week of home study.
News of the Day:
There are over 1.2 million cases of the coronavirus worldwide, according to tracking from Johns Hopkins University. The number of global fatalities has passed 66,000.
The U.S. leads the world with more than 310,000 reported cases. President Trump warned Saturday that “it’s going to be really some very bad numbers” in the U.S., where the death toll reached 8,500 over the weekend.
Pope Francis called for courage as he delivered Palm Sunday mass by livestream.
Plan for the Day: ………………
See you tomorrow!